


Hatred Is An Emotion Too

by arimabat



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Flashbacks, Gen, Nebula (Marvel) Angst, Nebula really wants to kill Thanos, Nightmares, POV Nebula, Post-Movie: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Pre-Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), Sibling Bonding, Sibling Rivalry, The Sovereigns, this is all just pretty grim tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 12:09:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15630414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arimabat/pseuds/arimabat
Summary: Nebula has a goal. But the past doesn't want to let her go.





	Hatred Is An Emotion Too

_Sometimes, they screamed._

_Good for an audience. Not always good for her._

_It brought unbidden echoes to her mind, echoes of the last screams she had cared about. Those of a woman she had called mother._

_Mother - that elusive figure of her dreams and of her nightmares, never quite there but never far away. Did that figure - that shadow - make her happy? She tried to think back to her, to that shifting mass of nothingness that dogged the edges of memories. Less than a face, more than a lie._

_That’s the word the girl screamed as she took the woman’s life._

_“Remember this when you resist the next time,” she spat at the onlookers. She knew the script. It wasn’t a hard one and she had learned it long ago. She was good at it. But never good enough._

_“Coward!” screamed a man. The woman’s lover. “That’s you, that’s all you are: a filthy, filthy -“_

_He bled out before he could complete the insult._

_“You didn’t finish the last one,” said her sister._

_“Someone has to carry the message.”_

_“That’s what your audience is for.”_

_They were all watching her, all those grubby faces. A community that had not lifted even a hand to save the pair of lovers for fear that they would be next. Would they lift a hand to save the daughter?_

_“You do it.”_

_“I don’t need to prove myself.”_

_She glared at her sister. That challenge was always there, every single day. And it burned. “I’ve proven myself.”_

_But her sister did not look mocking, or even challenging. An expressionless mask, the one she had been adopting ever more constantly. And it was just an excuse, wasn’t it? Because her sister didn’t seem to enjoy their missions. Or…_

_It didn’t matter. Just another girl._

_It was over with a slit to the neck. And the others watched. They had not lifted a hand._

_Who were the real cowards?_

* * *

She wakes up screaming like the girl from her dreams.

The room is empty. Which makes sense, because she is too.

She stands up and walks over to the window. The dawn light is pale, like the sky has been bleached of all colour. There’s not much to look at.

But it’s weird, sleeping on a planet. It’s not something she does often. She has gotten used to space, in all its expanses and inky unknowns.

She is used to sleeping on ships and on barren rocks. And when she stares out at the emptiness of the universe, it makes sense.

Because she is empty too.

* * *

_“Do you want me to make you better?”_

_It wasn’t often that she got his attention all for herself. Of course, that was because she no longer fought every day with her sister. So there was no longer any reason to do_ this _every day._

_But she still wasn’t perfect. That’s what she had to be, of course. Nothing less would do._

_“Yes, Father,” she said, because she knew that this was what he wanted to hear. It hadn’t always been like that. She had refused to let him go further, and he had been displeased. Flesh is weakness, after all._

_“You were close, my child. But your fingers were not strong enough to hold your sister down. So I think that we’ll have to improve those. Do you agree?”_

_“Yes, father.”_

_And that was how she got new muscles in her fingers._

_She heard her own screams. And they sounded a little like her mother’s screams. But she had cared about those. And that was what made them different from her own screams, for those could not trouble her_.

* * *

This is not her body. Not really, of course. It might have been, once. Long ago.

She thinks she might remember what she looked like. Skin clear and… unbroken. There was no metal, she thinks. It was all the same colour, not stitched together.

Then she berates herself. What use is it to think of the past? She cannot change it. Merely seize her revenge.

Her sister doesn’t think it matters. Because she’s moved on, of course. Maybe it’s easier with unbroken skin. Maybe it’s easier if all the different parts aren’t stitched together and aren’t made of metal and… fit.

Her sister has beautiful green skin. She had been jealous of it, of course. But her father had explained to her that it didn’t matter, that all that mattered was their strength. And her sister had always been stronger. So she could keep her beautiful skin.

He’s not really your father, her sister might say. But of course, neither of them believed that. He had made them and that made him their father. He had hurt them and that would always bond them together.

* * *

_“You are a disgusting little thing, aren’t you,” one of the Sovereigns said._

_It wasn’t a question and she couldn’t really speak but she still managed a snarl anyway. How_ dare _they…_

_But they dared to do anything, of course. Because they believed themselves to be perfect._

_“We’ve all heard stories about you. They say you’re meant to be very dangerous. How pathetic you must have been, if your master had to break you this much to make you useful…”_

_They would pay. All of them, they would pay. And her sister would pay. And her father would pay. They would all -_

_“But I suppose there is something admirable in trying to fix deficiencies. However pointless it might be, in the end.”_

_That’s what her father had called them too: deficiencies._

_They were right of course: she was broken. And they were right that her deficiencies had been fixed. They just didn’t realise quite how deadly that made her._

* * *

There is so much time for so many useless thoughts. After so many years of so much happening, it could easily drive her insane. Well, more insane perhaps.

She still wonders sometimes whether she shouldn’t do a quick detour and lob some bombs at the Sovereigns. There wouldn’t be much point, but it’d sure make her feel better.

But she is not allowed to die before she kills her father. So her selfish desire for a bit of decent slaughter has to be put aside.

Shame, really. She would enjoy watching them burn.

* * *

_"If you kill him, I will help you destroy a thousand planets.”_

_Could it finally be happening? Could her father finally have miscalculated?_

_Would he expect her betrayal? Had he expected her sister’s?_

_It really shouldn’t sting her to know which one he cared more about._

* * *

The memories are all confused, sometimes, drifting into each other as she sets off again. She realises that she misses her missions, misses their regularity and the distraction they offered. She doesn’t kill often these days.

* * *

_The strange being of the planet had killed so many of its children. As she remembered how she had discovered their remains with her sister, she wondered why she had been shocked. It made sense, really. Another creature thirsting for perfection. And another creature who demands perfection from his offspring._

_And if those he calls children disappoint… Well, it was the way of the universe._

_Was this why her sister had found refuge with the most imperfect beings of the galaxy?_

* * *

What an odd rebellion it is, really. Her father had taught them to put their faith in themselves. And in him, of course. He had taught them to be strong. To not feel and to not show any feelings. To be his perfect little warriors. And now her sister has found a new family, one of stupid and graceless beings who believe in all things weak and petty. And they laugh and they make very stupid jokes and they are worlds away from perfect. And they aren’t strong, not in any way their father values.

So her sister rebels. Every moment she spends with them, she rebels.

And what of her? Even when she hunts her father, when she wants to rip him apart… Well, she is still what he made her. She has not escaped. She has no other family.

Stupid thoughts. Stupid, stupid thoughts.

* * *

_“Have you found anything new?”_

_“Nothing yet,” she said, a fresh wave of disappointment curdling in her. There was something especially bad at having to admit it to her sister._

_“You could stay, you know.”_

_“I heard your offer the first time.”_

_“So? What is it? If you think there is no place for you here, then you’re wrong.”_

_“Don’t presume to know what I think,” she snapped._

_Her sister sighed and brushed her beautiful long hair out of her face. How she wished to have hair like that. “Don’t get mad at me, Nebula. I just want you to know that you could always join us. Because I want you here.”_

_“You think you can ignore that he is still out there,” she retorted. Raspy voice, harsh like when her father had given her new lungs. “Or rather, you want to. But he is still there. And I will find him.”_

_“And then what?”_

_“Then I’ll kill him.”_

_“Do you really think it’ll be that easy?”_

_“I have to try.”_

_Her sister nodded. It wasn’t what she’d been expecting. But then came the truly surprising bit. “Do you want me to come with you?”_

_She was so shocked that she let it show. “Come… what?”_

_“It seems so harsh, to make you go alone. If you insist on going. He is my father too, and that makes him my responsibility. Like you said, I like to ignore that he is still out there. But maybe I shouldn’t.”_

_A part of her yearned to say yes. Because it would make the journey so much less lonely. And she_ cared _, however much she might wish she didn’t. She cared desperately. But that was why… “No.”_

_Her sister looked disappointed and the reaction sent a shudder of warmth through her despite herself. “Can I at least know why?”_

_“You should be with your family.”_

_“You are my family too.”_

_“But they need you more than I do.”_

_And though it hurt her heart, that pulsating piece of flesh that was organic and hers alone, she knew she was right. Let her sister enjoy herself. Maybe she couldn’t run forever. But that was a problem for another day._

* * *

When had she let this much sentiment creep back into her mind? It is hard to tell, really. Maybe it was when she decided to kill her father. She had wanted to for a long time, but it had been… disconnected. And when it came together… Well, hatred is an emotion, isn’t it?

It’s the one she is best at.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, she had better be the one to kill Thanos.  
> Anyway, she's a brilliant character and I do want to write her more.  
> Do leave comments, check out my [Tumblr](https://arimabat.tumblr.com) & thanks for reading!


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